How to become a professional channeler in four easy steps!!!!!!!111
(Yes, I’ve been spending too much time with the new agers again…)
1. Create a cool character (eg, an alien, an angel, or a priest from a long-lost civilization) with a vaguely Star Trek-ish name. For added points, add a title or rank that verges on nonsensical. For example, something along the lines of “Koronth the Archangel of Gravity.”
2. On a regular basis, write out/record/broadcast a “message” from your character. Include lots of jargon and nigh-nonsense, because it’s perfectly reasonable that an alien who wants to reach out to the entire world will use terms and phrases that will be virtually incomprehensible to most people. If anyone complains about your wharrgarbl, tell them they’re just not spiritual enough to understand and it’s their own fault.
3. Keep your audience’s interest by predicting major events. Be vague, of course, so you’ll have lots of room to backpedal when they don’t come true. When they fail to pass, just say that the future isn’t set in stone and things can change or that changes really ARE happening, just on a spiritual/emotional level.
4. Stroke your audience’s egos by telling them how special and important they are. This will encourage them to come back for regular ego-pettings. Also, include lots of feel-good lovey-dovey stuff about harmony and unity - people eat that stuff right up.